My college aged son recounted his Physics test to me on Friday. In the middle of it the school had a fire drill…yes they still have those in college! He told me that when they came back in to class to finish their test he froze. He said he couldn’t remember anything he studied. He was right in the middle of the test and when he returned to it, he couldn’t remember how to finish the problems in front of him, even the one he had already started.
Yesterday I began my day in His Word. All week I spent time reading and studying His Word. For the past 17 years I have studied and prayed and soaked in His truth. I have walked through much in my life…pushed through some hard stuff…and held on to some of it way past it’s time. I have learned how to fight back…how to lay things down…how to live in the truth and not in the lie. But like my son, sometimes I freeze…I forget everything I have studied. And when I do…I feel uncomfortable in my own body…in my own life and I can’t seem to remember how to fight and my mind becomes full of lies and I beat myself up. And I end up crying and my husband wonders what is wrong. I can’t always articulate what it is. But my past and the lies I use to believe push their way in to the day and I freeze…I forget what His Word says…what the truth is.
When I woke up this morning…I realized what had happened. The assault is usually on my identity…how I fit in to my family…how I interact and how I think people see me…yesterday it wasn’t about what I looked like…but that I am quiet and that I am not always the best conversationist…I don’t always have something to say. This is how I see it and I know it isn’t how others do…but for me this is something that I combat way too much. And I focus on it. In my past…this was something that kept me from relationships and some people in my life that I admired said was a negative aspect of who I was. I was too quiet…And froze.
This morning I began to remember some of the things I have studied…the things that I have hidden in my heart…the truth. I begin to speak them to myself. I saw the lie for what it was and spoke to it with the truth.
Two things that I am discovering is that when we know the character of God…who He is…what the Bible says about Him…we can see who we are in the light of who He is. Knowing who God is helps us see who we are. God is love. God is forgiving. God is big. God gives grace. God is patient. God is kind. God keeps no record of wrong. God rejoices in us. God never gives up. God is hopeful. God endures with us. God is a healer. God is a provider. God is a protector. I could go on and on. Because of who God is and that we were made in his image, we are a reflection of Him (unless you are a third grader in my Tuesday night program and he tells me that if we are reflection of God we are then the opposite…because when we look in the mirror we see the opposite…yes that happened last week!) But we know that if we are made in His image we are loved…we are protected. We have hope. And so on.
God looks upon us and says that we fit where we are because He put us there…and because we are loved by Him. What if I didn’t speak all day? God would love me any way. He wouldn’t look upon me and think less of me. He isn’t judging me and basing his love upon if I am a good conversationist. yay!
Why do we forget and freeze sometimes? I think we get caught up in the details and get confused and we can’t remember the truth because we are looking at ourselves…yesterday I was so focused on myself that I could not see God. I could not remember all that I had studied…I froze. My self became bigger than God…and how do we find Him when we can’t see Him? How can we seek Him when we aren’t looking for Him but looking at ourselves. Eyes on Him! Thoughts on Him…conform our thoughts to His.
If I spent today regretting that yesterday was a stinking thinking kind of day…then yesterday would have won…but we know that His mercies are new everyday. So today I got to live in the truth I remembered from my time studying His Word and live it out as best I could.
We can’t stay in the mud and muck…we get to remember His truth and look ahead to what is good. If you have days when you freeze…remember that His mercies are new when you wake up…or maybe right this minute…you need to remember who God is and who you are because of who He is.
God is good all of the time…even when we freeze.
Thank you to my husband for being so patient with me as I learn to walk through some of the things that seem to trip me up. You are a wonderful example of who God is and I am so grateful. Thank you to my friends that speak truth to me in love. You are the best.
We need to be able to be real with out fear of being judged. This is a place to be real.
Blessings.
A Daily Surrender 